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How to Avoid Disappointment When Shopping for a Sex Toy

By Blake Parker
How to Avoid Disappointment When Shopping for a Sex Toy

They say shopping for a sex toy is a lot like dating – tons of options, plenty of opportunities and more disappointment than you can shake a stick at. At least with dating you get to have a conversation with another human being, right? Hunting down an appropriate pleasure product can be a huge, expensive pain in the ass and I mean that literally. And while it doesn’t take a genius to have an orgasm, it certainly requires some industry knowledge to navigate your way through the marketplace. Manufacturers make a name for themselves by selling millions of units, but sometimes those sales as bolstered by things like misinformation, trial and error, or ignorance. Today, we make those bastards work harder for your money.

The current sex toy arena is worth an estimated $15 billion (which comes to about $150 per every American adult) and its profit margins grow with every purchase you or I make. Those margins then get turned into new and improved models that utilize groundbreaking innovations to enhance the consumer’s overall experience. It’s therefore a great idea to participate in this growing venture but the point is to make sure you’re participating in the right places. Yes, your orgasms are technically an investment. I honestly don’t know why they’re not included in your 401k.  

The point is that we’re all looking for the best possible sexual experience, and that’s why we’re willing to spend big money on high-tech sex machines and their accessories. Some of these things can cost thousands of dollars, and nobody wants to waste that kind of cash on a luxury item unless they’re gluttons for punishment (or into some kinky corporate fin-dom shit). So to get the most bang for your buck, becoming a sex toy know-it-all is essential. They’ll try to tell you what you need. They’ll say they know what you want. But at the end of the day, this is a completely subjective matter and nobody knows the right answers but you (and/or your partner).

Know What It Is

If you don’t know what something is, you can’t shop for it. For example, say you’re looking for a sports car and someone comes trying to sell you a minivan. Since you’re unaware of the differences between the two, you mistakenly fall for the salesperson’s ploy and drive off the lot in a soccer mom mobile. By the time you realize the mistake you’ve made, the street race is already over and your friends are making fun of you. I’ve seen it a thousand times so take my advice: Educate yourself on the official definition of a sex toy and then brief yourself on what the modern-day market is up to. Or, you could always face the consequences of willful ignorance. The choice is yours. For the ones who want to know what it is (because they care about their own self-worth and respect the value of a dollar as well as the hard work of industry innovators), a sex toy (or “marital aid”) can be defined as follows:

“a talisman or device used primarily for the facilitation of sexual pleasure in humans”

Oddly enough, the best description of a contemporary pleasure device comes from Wikipedia because, as it seems, the medical sciences’ reluctance to accept male and female sexuality norms has finally bit their scholars in the ass. Either way, a toy used for sex can be just about anything you want it to be, from common household items to sophisticated machinery designed specifically for an erotic purpose. My suggestion, however, is to stick with the man-made objects because the purpose of this shopping trip is to avoid disappointment and I’m not sure you can do that with a cucumber.


Before the sexual revolution of the 1960's, people had to get their dings and dongs from the family doctor, assuming they had been diagnosed with hysteria or insomnia, that is. Prior to that, folks fashioned fuck sticks out of bone, stone and chalk. But because fruits, vegetables, apple pies and tube socks just don’t cut it anymore, manufacturers have been forced to crank out more acceptable products since the early 80's. Now, the average consumer can freely choose between a variable cornucopia of kink that includes (but is definitely not limited to) these sophisticated sex toy types:

  • Dildos
  • Vibrators
  • Cock Rings
  • Nipple/Clit Clamps
  • Penis Strokers
  • Pussy Suckers
  • Butt Plugs
  • Prostate Massagers
  • Clitoral Stimulators
  • Electrostimulation (E-stim) Gear

Most of your high-end devices will have extra-realistic features, ergonomic dimensions and user-friendly functionality. However, the term “sex toy” also refers to specialized positioning furniture, body restraining apparatuses, and performance enhancing machines such as penis pumps and extenders. What’s not includes are the lubes, cleaning supplies, accessories and condoms you’ll most likely use with them.

Know the Most Common Features

Today’s marketplace for personal gratification is huge but to keep from being disappointed by your purchase you have to be able to recognize a good sex toy when you see it. Brand ambassadors depend on your lack of industry insight. I mean, I could easily walk up to you right now with a homemade fifi in my hand and there’s a good chance you wouldn’t know the difference between that and some of the bullshit that gets passed off onto unsuspecting consumers these days. How does that make you feel? Like a fool, right? If I were you, I’d familiarize myself with the following features and never settle on anything that doesn’t have at least some of them:

  • Skin-Safe Materials
    Hypoallergenic sex toy materials are everywhere these days, especially after all the bullshit we went through dealing with phthalates, parabens and latex. Now, there are still some devices that contain potential allergens like latex, but the eradication of phthalates and parabens is damn near complete. Decent devices are always covered in or made from a skin-safe substance that reacts kindly to the user’s complexion. Check the label for more detailed information about the ingredients before letting a toy come in contact with your body. 
    TIP: Try to stick with playthings that are crafted out of safe stuff like platinum-cured or medical-grade silicone, thermoplastic elastomer (TPE), polyvinyl chloride (PVC), stainless-steel, tempered glass, or a patented polycarbonate blend. Understand that precious metal products, although luxurious, may pose a threat to people with allergies to gold or nickel.
  • Ergonomic Dimensions  
    The study of ergonomics refers to the way objects interact with the human body. Pretty much everything in the modern world has been designed or redesigned to include proper ergonomics and sex toys are no exception. Ideal shapes, sizes and weights are suddenly floating around everywhere, with something substantial available for every Tom, Dick and Harry in the country. On top of that, mobility issues are no longer a problem either, as more and more manufacturers create innovative hands-free pleasure devices and one-size-fits-all sleeves.
    TIP: Stay away from devices that are too big, too heavy or complex for the average consumers to use. Remember, your physical strength and cognitive skills can decrease quite a bit during sexual climax.
  • Anatomical Correctness
    You probably know this already, but let’s review: A good sex toy matches the needs of the body that’s using it. For instance, male sex toys almost always feature a cozy spot for the penis or a comfortable shaft for anal insertion. Female devices usually have g-spot and/or clitoral pinpointing accuracy using the same kinds of comfortable shafts as the boys. Both can feature tailorable functionalities depending on the marker’s ingenuity. Obviously, there’s some overlap here but the main idea is to find something that suits your anatomical situation (even if it’s subject to change at any moment).
    TIP: Only buy specialized sex toys if you’re 100% sure about the types of sensations that you/your partner want to experience. Most of the time, there’s no return policy on pleasure products unless they arrive at your door defective.
  • Customizable Sensations
    Old-school and/or homemade sex toys are a joke compared to these new-fangled thingamajigs. Those tired sons of bitches only offered one or two moderately pleasurable sensations, whereas today’s devices give users the opportunity to explore every square inch of their perversions. Guys and dolls can finally dictate their deepest desires through things like integrated vibrations, automatic motors, self-heating cores, thrusting shafts, squirting balls, and so much more. These days it’s not enough to simply masturbate or have sex. People want to pimp their pussies and penises like they’re about to star on an MTV special.
    TIP: Talk to your partner in an open and honest way to find out what kinds of sensations you should be looking for. If you don’t have a partner, consider your ideal erotica scene and allow the sex toy to help you recreate it.
  • Clear User Instructions
    Your homespun humpers and rejected Amazon prizes might be super cheap but they almost never come with clear instructions from the manufacturer. Instead, you get a pamphlet in a foreign language or nothing at all. Legit sex toys always come shipped or packaged with well-written directions from a reputable, responsible and transparent manufacturer. Sometimes, those directions are even in several different world languages. Do not purchase or use a sex toy without proper amounts of product information because one false move could ruin your entire day.
    TIP: Look for companies that offer at least a limited one-year warranty on their devices and/or cover any factory defects. Also, avoid doing business with any manufacturer that doesn’t have responsive customer service in place.

Not-So-Common Sex Toy Bonus Features

Common features are what keep this industry alive but it’s the market disrupters who make the biggest impact on our buying habits. With that said, it’s probably a good idea to go ahead and mention some of the extra bells and whistles you’ll likely discover on your search for the perfect pleasure product. These high-tech luxury features are what turn our otherwise ordinary objects into the Cadillacs of kink (and they’re multiplying in number at the speed of light right now, believe it or not):

  • Teledildonics
    This interesting invention is responsible for making two (or more) sex toys work in unison. It’s usually operated through a preprogrammed set of performance modes or, more recently, with a standard Bluetooth connection, mobile data plan, or internet service provider. Teledildonics allow for real-time play and a more robust interactive experience.
    NOTE: Toys with this type of technology almost always require a separate purchase for compatible equipment.
  • Artificial Intelligence
    Only used on a handful of devices, with the Autoblow A.I. being the world’s very first one, artificial intelligence kicks up the realism on any foreplay or masturbation session by giving the device more versatility without requiring as much manual input from the user. It’s much like having a robotic arm, only no surgeries are required. Machines can switch their performance modes automatically or with the press of a button, plus A.I. toys are also intuitive enough to know when a change should be made (resulting in more substantial orgasms overall).
    NOTE: Toys with this type of technology generally require practice so the machine can “learn” the user’s behaviors. 
  • Motion Sensors
    Some devices are equipped with built-in motion sensors that play in tandem with any on-board artificial intelligence or teledildonics technologies. This highly intuitive feature can be turned on or off as it increases the realism of any masturbatory experience, usually with regard for the proximity of the lovers involved (meaning close-range only). However, many brands now utilize patented SenseMotion technology throughout some of their luxury sex toy collections.
    NOTE: Toys with this type of technology typically require the purchase of two or more devices for real-time play.
  • Sync-to-Music
    Although some people might not find this feature to be fancy, lots of consumers appreciate their newfound ability to literally jam out with their clam out (or rock out with their cock out, whatever the case may be). Devices with Sync-to-Music capabilities allow for a new type of motion in your ocean – one that changes with every new song on your pre-set playlist.
    NOTE: Toys with this type of technology will probably require a decent taste in music, so let your partner handle that part.


Enjoying the fruits of your favorite manufacturer’s labor doesn’t make you a bad person nor does it turn you into a sellout. What it makes you is super woke bro, knowing now what the more repressed societies can hardly stomach or understand. Far too many people still think that sex toys are devices for the lonely and lame, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Market sales don’t lie, so let’s explore what I mean by that and see if you can figure out who the cool kids are.  

Know Who Uses Them

The world is a broad and beautiful place, filled to the brim with variety while being predictable enough to survive. Our species’ attraction to the practical, or lack thereof, has been responsible for some of the greatest invention of our time. As such, high-grade sex toys have crept their way into our everyday conversations and now more people use them than we ever expected. According to some studies, in fact, over half of the American population currently has at least one in their bedside drawer. So, do you fit into any of these 8 common sex toy user groups?      

  • Men
    Dudes are among some of the most avid masturbators, with many popular sayings claiming that 90% of them admit to jerking off while the other 10% are lying. As funny as that is, there may actually be some truth to it. With modern science recently discovering the importance of regular ejaculation for men, the male sex toy industry has blossomed and men’s health has improved significantly across the board. Even guys with erectile dysfunction and Peyronie’s Disease are finally getting in on the action.
  • Women
    Ladies comprise the world’s second largest group of sex toy users, with nearly half of their entire demographic having used one in the last 30 days, according to a recent poll. Contrary to a nonsense belief that was popularized long ago, women enjoy sex just as much (if not more) than the average man. So, while it takes them up to 20 minutes to reach orgasm, their climaxes are significantly more intense than a man’s and modern-day sex toy makers know that. As it turns out, girls DO just wanna have fun, so female-friendly freak-a-leaks are churned out consistently and the world’s a much better place because of it. 
  • Couples
    Whether gay, straight or somewhere in between, chances are you’ll be using some kind of sex toy eventually, especially if you want to get your partner off properly. Our fantasies and physical abilities don’t always match up, meaning we sometimes have to seek things outside ourselves to produce truly mind-blowing sensations. It’s just a fact of life kids, and most mature couples know that. In fact, more men and women play with personal pleasure products when they’re in a committed relationship than when they’re not.
  • Long-Distance Lovers
    Speaking of couples and their propensity towards enhanced intimacy and safer kink, device manufacturers have experienced an increased demand in interactive devices due to the overwhelming popularity of online dating. Individuals have always wanted to explore the depths of their emotions and arousal without committing adultery, but long-distance debauchery hasn’t always been possible. Fuck sexting and snapping dick pics. Clever combinations in sex tech and a much more accepting society at large have lead to real-time VR sessions and live performances that are now a rock-hard part of the norm. 
  • Singles
    Lulls in your love life don’t have to be met with depressing amounts of sex. That’s an old-school adage that’s extremely played out. Today’s world allows for the same devices that couples and long-distance lovers enjoy to be used by single people as well. The industry has created several solo options, from self-driven machines and virtual reality compatible interfaces to specialized mounts and sex toy-friendly positioning furniture. There are twerking butts, thrusting cocks, twirling butt plugs. You’ll almost second-guess returning to the dating scene once you see what’s available these days.
  • Stamina Trainers
    Listen, guys: Your best average time in bed is about 5 to 7 minutes tops, while women take about 20 minutes to reach orgasm. It’s set up that way so that you’ll slow the fuck down and take your time, and also because it’s important to continually improve your bed game. With that said, it should make sense why there are suddenly handfuls of stamina training masturbation products on today’s sex toy market. We finally got the memo about shared sexuality behaviors and designed countless lines of inventory to make it all work. Fuck you, nature, your erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation problems can’t touch this.
  • Sexual Health Experts
    More than three million men in the United States alone suffer from erectile dysfunction by the way. Experts now know that responsible use of the right sex toys can help treat and/or reverse that little problem. Furthermore, they’re teaming up with device designers to create corrective products that generate erotic pleasures while boosting confidence and enhancing intimacy between couples. It’s therefore extremely common for seasoned “sexperts” to recommended things like dildos, vibrators, penis pumps, penis extenders and even performance enhancement supplements to increase their patient’s receptiveness to sexual stimuli and varying positions (usually using sex furniture).
  • Post-Op Patients
    Many men undergo prostate surgery and then fear that their sex life is over. Fortunately, that’s not the truth. The fact of the matter is that most doctors try to avoid damaging the precious nerve endings in your penis, meaning you can continue with a healthy love life once recovery is finished. Often, doctors will prescribe specific types of manual masturbation with recommendations for high-end, customizable sex toys. There are even a few contraptions that can be covered by a robust insurance policy and/or available directly through the manufacturer – AKA: No boxing match at your local adult entertainment store.

Obviously, you’re not the only one who loves to play with toys. Even as a full-fledged adult with bills and responsibilities, there’s still plenty of time to fool around. And now that you don’t feel like such a leper (and have a general idea of what’s out there), we can finally begin narrowing in on the cream of the crop. No, these things are not all made the same. How would you like it if someone said that about your dick/pussy/ass? That’s what I thought.

Know What to Look for


The secret to sex toy shopping success is knowing what to look for and what to avoid. This part of your lesson is called “The Gauntlet” because you’ll have to cut a few devices from your list by the time we’re done. Remember, we’re making these branded bastards work for our hard-earned money. This isn’t going to be a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am situation for either one of us, but at least you’ve got the power of choice. All they have are some clever advertising ploys and tons of exposure. Regardless, the following considerations will help you see right through their bullshit:

  • The Materials
    I know what you’re thinking, being a material girl is so 1989. I get it, but I also want you to understand the importance to checking out the covering and sleeves on any sex toy you’re about to buy. Ignoring this shit will get you nowhere, trust me. You never know how sensitive your skin is until you beat it up with a manmade pleasure device. The morning after is not the time to reveal a nasty rash, nor is it the time to speak up about allergies. Look at the label before forking over any cash because, brothers and sisters, it’s a jungle out there and your genitals could get put in jeopardy.
  • The Dimensions
    Size matters whether you’re inserting a sex toy into yourself or inserting yourself into a sex toy. Extremely tight orifices may seem like a good idea, but men with extra large dicks might want to think twice (or come packing the lube like it’s going out of style). Either way, dimensions include the shape and weight of the device you’re holding, so don’t get conned into buying something that’s too awkward or heavy just because someone told you it would be fun. Mobility limitations need to be carefully considered here, plus it’s probably wise to think about any potential partners you may have and their limitations as well.
  • The Features
    The features of a sex toy are usually the very first things shoppers look at, but that’s probably not the best way to go about this. After checking out the other things I just mentioned, move to examining the various performance modes and ergonomics of the device in question. Avoid disappointment by selecting only the things that seem practical to your way of life. In other words, don’t get an electrostimulation flogger if neither you nor your partner are into BDSM. Instead, look for products that make sense instead of searching for something to make you look cool. Opt for specialized textures, built-in control interfaces, variable performance functions, sensual/temperature enhancements and things like that.
  • The Compatibility
    Sex toy selection can be tricky sometimes, especially when you want to involve a partner or use your device with another one. Compatibility is key, but there’s a lot to consider here so pay attention. Make damn sure your new plaything can withstand the pressures of your raging love life, whether that means being incorporated into a sexy live scene, syncing with a high-tech device, running a virtual reality simulation or being played with alongside additional sensory enhancements like butt plugs, blindfolds, wrist/ankle restraints, etc. Keep in mind, however, that “compatibility” in the bedroom may require an additional investment on your part. Again, bust open the 401kink, bitches.
  • The Design
    I hate it when consumers make it this far only to be thwarted by shitty technicalities in the end. Many sex toy manufacturers produce extremely interactive devices but only mention in passing the fact that using those devices as intended can cost big bucks. Prepare yourself for an onslaught of “sold separately” messages and incomplete packages. You can save a little money by purchasing your products as part of a kit but that’s not always possible. Prevent heartbreak while avoiding bankruptcy by choosing sex toys that need sparse equipment to enjoy their full potential. Either that or spend all your money on the upgrades and hope you have a home to return to.

One last thing before I move on to my next point: Pay close attention to the brands in your basket because they matter more than you might think. Some of them work very well together while others seem to be natural rivals. For instance, the Fleshlight folks have taken a liking to the Kiiroo team’s inventory but the LELO brand does a good job of being interactive all on its own and seldom syncs with anything outside its own family. Don’t get stuck with something you can’t use just because you forgot how to check out the fine print.


Know Thyself

One thing manufacturers won’t readily admit is the fact that many of them rely on consumer stupidity to sell their stock. In hopes that you won’t know any better, their marketing teams whip up attractive advertisements that coax us into laying our money on the line even though we’re way outside our comfort zones. And while a little experimentation is usually welcomed in the average person’s bedroom, nobody wants to experience unpleasant surprises while they’re trying to make their personal protein shake. To keep things relatively predictable and always on the safe side, there are a few more facts you’ll want to know before slapping down the cash or adding anything to your stash (and this time, the facts are all about you):

  • Your Intentions
    The most important thing about masturbation is that you and/or your partner are able to reach a successful climax and can do so safely. However, none of that is possible if you still don’t know what your goal is here. Are you in strictly for pleasure? Do you have a specific goal in mind like improved stamina or enhanced intimacy? How often are you planning to do this kind of thing and how far down the rabbit hole do you want to go? Answer those questions and you’ll at least be headed in the right direction.
  • Your Skin Type
    According to science, there are five different skin types in this world. According to my math, that means you have to consider your complexion before selecting a sex toy or its material or your masturbation technique. That makes this endeavor three times more complicated than you originally thought, which makes a manufacturer’s job even harder. I told you we were going to make them work for your money. Anyway, find out whether you have any skin sensitivities or allergies and then stay away from any device or accessory that contains those things or keep plenty of skin-safe condoms on deck. You have been warned.
  • Your Lifestyle
    Since masturbation can be considered an erotic art form (no, seriously), doing it at the right time and in the right way is extremely important. Failing to do so can ruin a perfectly good experience, take it from me. This is especially true when you live with other people or want to call the captain in the comfort of your living room. Some methods and machines aren’t meant for that kind of thing, so be careful. Think of the children, consider whether you travel a lot, and don’t forget about storage because you’ll have to stop touching yourself eventually.
  • Your Skills and Equipment
    Unless you plan to keep stroking the beef with your bare hands, you’re going to need some basic skills and a few pieces of equipment at some point. Using sex toys often requires the purchase of additional pleasure gear and even hands-on masturbation takes plenty of lube and lots of patience. Consider the tools you have on deck right now. Does any of it help you achieve the kinds of orgasms you’re looking for or do you need to upgrade? What about the devices you have your eye on? Do any of them take special equipment to use as intended by the manufacturer? Now’s the time to find out where you stand.
  • Your Limits 
    Everybody has “that one thing” they’re not willing to do under any circumstances. Those are called hard limits. Folks also have a set of boundaries called their soft limits and those need to be considered as well. Understanding your own personal frontiers is the best way to prevent clever marketing from gaining traction in your bedroom. After all, what good is an anal masturbation device when you’re not even into backdoor play? Better yet, why buy a sex toy at all when you’re perfectly happy waxing the crescent with your hairy palms? It’s all about where you’re trying to go and how you’re trying to get there. 


Remember, masturbating is a very personal activity and should therefore be centered on your wants and needs, not on the profit margins of the manufacturers. By knowing these things about yourself, you make it harder for unscrupulous companies to take advantage of you while raising the bar on reputable brands as they develop more intuitive devices. It’s a win-win situation for everybody when you look at it that way.

Know How to Use It

Part of never being disappointed by masturbating is knowing how to use the tools you’ve got in front of you, whether that be your fingers, your palms, your favorite sex toy or otherwise. Let’s assume for a second that you’ve already got your manual stroke down pat and have moved your mature ass to bigger and better things – like jerking off with a sophisticated sex toy, for instance. That’s going to take some fundamental knowledge as well but, fortunately, it’s not that complicated because most brands do their best to create user-friendly products.

Either way, it’s vital that you put your pride aside and at least skim through the instructions provided by the manufacturer. This gives you and your partner a chance to familiarize yourselves with the main components and features on each device. Many times, owner’s manuals are available online through the maker’s website, and you can usually print a pdf version to preview before your purchase. At that time, you can also inquire about any warranties, return policies and/or warnings that might change how you use it. If all else fails, check the grapevine by reading some honest consumer reviews to find out what other people are saying. It can’t hurt.

Products that come with a quality guarantee from the maker need to be registered within 30 days of the purchase date or the coverage may be considered void. Also, be sure to prepare a spot for storage, even if the device you’re buying is extra large or heavy. Try to find something that comes with its own container or at least has one available through the manufacturer. And as always, gather up a lubricant that’s compatible with the toy’s material. Here’s a quick guide to get you by for now:

  • Oil-based
    These lubes are extremely long-lasting, silky to the touch and can even moisturize the skin. They’re commonly used for anal sex and masturbation, although the hypoallergenic kind can be appropriate for vaginal penetration as well. Regardless, oil-based lubricants are known to stain fabrics, don’t wash off easily, and may not react well to certain sex toy materials or skin types.
  • Silicone-based
    These lubes are long-lasting because they’re water-resistant but that’s the same property that makes them difficult to wash off. Many silicone lubes don’t stain fabrics and a few can moisturize the skin as well, but they’re not always compatible with silicone sex toys and can even damage the materials on contact if you’re not careful. The good news is that these products are almost always hypoallergenic.
  • Water-based
    These lubes give consumers the best of both worlds, with a long-lasting formulation that’s gentle on the skin, non-staining and compatible with all sex toy materials. In fact, most manufacturers recommend water-based lubricants because of that reason, with some even sending a small sample along with their products. For best results, start with H2O and then refine your approach from there.


Sex toy ownership involves a lot of little details, doesn’t it? Nobody said this was going to be easy. The simple part doesn’t begin until you touch the device to your genitals, given you’ve selected the right one. But even then, you still have to be properly prepared with the right goodies or the game can go south in a hurry. Put simply: know how to use your sex toys the way God intended or suffer the consequences like so many unlucky bastards before you.

Know Proper Sex Toy Etiquette

You’d like sex toy etiquette wouldn’t come into play until after you’ve got the device out of the box, but you couldn’t be more wrong. Having a good grasp on responsible device enjoyment is the best way to prevent disappointment after you’ve spent a bunch of money. Consider the following tips and make sure you’re ready to incorporate them into your session, or else:

  • Keep It Clean and Classy
    Have you ever tried masturbating with a filthy sex toy? It’s pretty much pointless, plus it’s dangerous as fuck too. At any given moment, your device can harbor millions of bacteria, not to mention environmental debris that could compromise the integrity of the materials. As a general rule, always clean off your playthings after every use. See the owner’s manual for detailed information on how to do that. For the most part, you’ll be required to rinse it under warm, fresh water with a non-abrasive, hypoallergenic soap or compatible sex toy cleaning solution. Let the device dry fully before putting it back into storage.   
  • Swap with Caution
    Some sex toys are designed for both anal and vaginally stimulation and I understand that. I also understand the importance of personal hygiene and the effects of sexual negligence. They say you never go ass to mouth, but what they fail to mention is how you’re not supposed to go ass to pussy either, at least not without thoroughly washing off the device’s materials first. Failing to do so may keep the temperature hot in the moment but it can lead to some serious disappointment afterwards. Proceed with caution, brothers and sisters.  
  • Start Small
    Tell me who said you have to begin with the biggest and baddest sex toy on the market so I can kick their ass. Not only does that put people in harm’s way but it can also ruin the reputation of perfectly good manufacturing companies because some unwitting dumbass decided to “go big or go home” at the exact wrong time. This isn’t a race and it’s not a contest about who can withstand the most internal/external pressure. You’re working towards mind-blowing pleasure here. Allow the situation to conform to your anatomy, not pointless and potentially dangerous social standards.
  • Talk to Your Partner
    The value of good communication can not be overstated when it comes to shopping for sex toys. In fact, it’s damn near impossible to find anything if you don’t open up some honest dialogue with your date unless, of course, you don’t have one. Proper erotica etiquette requires you both to speak up about your wants, needs and personal limitations (both hard and soft). Forgetting to do this can lead to the purchase of a worthless product and/or the beginning of an argument. Ain’t nobody got time for that, especially not when there are shared orgasms to be had.
  • Buy Kits and Combos
    Here’s a little-known secret for avoiding disappointment when shopping for a new sex toy: buy products that come prepackaged as part of a kit or combo set. This gives you more options in terms of pleasure variety and experimentation, plus it helps you save a little money on accessories, spare parts and compatible devices. Keep in mind that not all sex toys are sold this way, so take advantage of it whenever you can. That way, when the device doesn’t perform up to par you can move on or switch up your approach without spending a bunch of money again.

There’s that keyword again: Money. It seems like that’s the primary motivator for both sides of this argument – the consumer and the manufacturer. It’s important to find a nice balance between how much cash they’re trying to take from you and how much of it you’re willing to spend. However, the cost of something should never be the final determining factor when it comes to owning it or not. The good news is that there are ways to keep some of that dough in your pocket while still enjoying the fruits of this fucktastic world.

Know Your Budget


Be firm about your spending parameters because it will help keep the wolves at bay. Just be sure your sex toy budget is flexible enough to accommodate the following items because they’re usually necessary and not always included in the initial price of the device:

  • Feature Upgrades
  • Spare Parts
  • Replacement Pieces
  • Cleaning Supplies
  • Personal Lubricants
  • Storage Containers
  • Mounting Accessories
  • Sex Tech Equipment
  • Mobile Data Plans
  • Secure Internet Connections
  • Online Porn Database Membership Plans
  • Compatible Devices for Couple’s Play

Don’t forget to register any warranties that might come with your sex toys because some coverage plans can help pay for things like replacement pieces, storage containers and cleaning supplies. Whatever happens, never allow a manufacturer to make you spend more than you’re willing to and try not to buy anything from a merchant that’s not officially affiliated with the brand or known as a reputable dealer in the industry. Remember, most devices don’t come with a money-back guarantee unless they arrive at your door broken in some way.

Final Considerations

Being the proud owner of a kick ass sex toy gives you bragging rights, I get it. Just don’t rush into anything because there’s plenty to choose from and you’ve got tons of time. Do your homework on each device by reading the fine print and consulting customer service with any specific questions you may have. Measure your monkey(s) ahead of time and understand that if you buy your playthings from a local adult entertainment store you may surrender any replacement policies provided by the manufacturer.

About Blake Parker

Blake Parker makes Ron Jeremy look like Mother Theresa. His honest take on allthings pertaining to pleasure and relationships has made him a household name that’s synonymous with sexuality. Blake’s unique perspective on toys and techniques prepares the mind and body for more than just an incredible orgasm. Hisentertaining sex toy reviews, buyer’s guides, and How-To articles inform consumers of what nobody else will say. His readers demolish emotional/physical strongholds, tear down social taboos, and become more comfortable in their own skin as he and his partner enlighten the world one sex toy at a time. Notoriety isn’t the goal with Blake; satisfaction is.