You’re not the only one who feels like your man won’t commit to a monogamous relationship. According to recent surveys, more than half of the sexually active adult population has been the victim of infidelity at least once in their lives. To make matters worse, cheating isn’t always synonymous with a non-committal attitude. Even people who remain faithful in a relationship can have major problems staying put. There seems to be an enormous chasm between what men want and what their partners can provide, so what gives? Is it possible to get commitment out of your man or has all hope been lost?
You’re not alone in thinking commitment is the ultimate goal in life. Men and women have been struggling with the concept since the dawn of time, with most of our beloved fairy tales having plots that are centered around things like sexual scandals, emotional upheavals, and the thirst for unrequited love. It’s a pretty big deal, this commitment thing, plus many scholars consider it the glue that holds the fabric of our society together. It shapes destinies, it molds families, and it creates a better bond between partners if nothing else. We all know that a lack of devotion to your lover can have tremendous consequences – turning friends into instant enemies and ruining a perfectly good thing for no good reason. That’s why it’s important to figure this out.
Like in the game of chess, the best defense is a good offense. After all, this has got to be a tough transition for a man who’s not used to settling down. As a partner of someone like that, you’ve need to step into their shoes and see things from a different point of view. For instance, those on the other side of the spectrum usually consider commitment a psychological, financial and/or physical trap. They think being loyal to one person limits their ability to live life to the fullest, at least in the long run. Other guys think monogamy is an outdated social construct, while a few go so far as to consider it generally unrewarding if not completely pointless. And while those men are wrong on several levels, it helps to know where they’re coming from, doesn’t it? Checkmate.
Another thing you’ll want to know is the definition of legitimate commitment – the typical behaviors, the attitudes, the thought processes, the habits. Some men will gladly give their loyalty to a partner as long as it’s not brought to their attention; they don’t like labels and they hate making a fuss. By knowing how to recognize a truly committed man, maybe then you can silently transition between having a casual relationship and a long-term union. In the meantime, use the tips and tricks provided here to snag you a good one and keep him coming back for more.
According to the dictionary, commitment can mean a lot of different things. In fact, that’s probably why there’s so much confusion when this kind of conversation begins. Nobody really knows how far it goes or how wide the gap between faithfulness and chronic infidelity is. Generally speaking, however, committing to something involves becoming dedicated to a certain goal, belief, cause or course of action. Loyalty can pertain to many things, not just intimate relationships, including scholarly endeavors, personal achievements, professional aspirations, and religious dogmas. You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything (or anyone/no one), but therein lies the problem. Few understand what it means to be truly committed to someone or something, so they naturally assume the worst and then avoid it all costs.
Fortunately, commitment isn’t nearly as complicated, difficult or life threatening as some make it seem. The idea is rather simple, actually. A person enters into a voluntarily agreement with another adult wherein they’re both expected and/or obligated to do something specific or fulfill a definitive need without compromising the pre-set boundaries of the relationship. It obviously requires a responsible person to think very carefully but some people are afraid to go that far because of unanswered questions and it’s fucking sad. If we all understand what it means to be committed to a monogamous relationship, some of us might not freak out as much when we’re asked “So, what are we anyway?”
By the way, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to know someone’s intentions in a relationship; don’t believe the hype that says otherwise. Life is short and your good years don’t last forever. So, if commitment is what you’re after then you owe it to yourself to seek it out with all your heart. Making a man commit to you can feel like an uphill battle at times because old habits die hard. However, you’re allowed to walk away if your guy just won’t give up the goods after several attempts. I just wanted to get that out of the way before ending it on a happier note. The good news: There are a handful of signs that can help you determine if that dude of yours is the type to dedicate himself to a monogamous relationship.
Don’t feel bad. Nobody wants to waste their precious time on someone who’s never going to commit to them or their relationship. Sometimes, a partner is a non-committal pain in the ass no matter what you say or do. That’s life, but there’s a way to make life your bitch instead of the other way around. The first step is to educate yourself on what a potential devotee looks like. The following are the top 10 signs that he’s good and ready to give commitment a chance:
Remember, you are more than just a placeholder until the next person comes along. Unfortunately, a lot of partners become confused at this point because they get carried away with trying find the signs that he’s ready. When it comes to men and commitment, things aren’t that cut and dry. Here’s a little secret you might find helpful: Just because a man spends time with you and is sweet does not mean he can’t live without you. Commitment requires turning yourself into an indispensable part of a guy’s life and that ain’t always easy.
FACT: Some partners mistakenly assume that if they stick around longer, help a man with his problems and/or show off their best qualities that a man will be happy to commit. It just doesn’t work that way. If a man doesn’t take your relationship seriously after hanging out for a few months, chances are he never will. Don’t let denial ruin your shot at a happy life.
So, is there anything you can do to inspire the man you love to settle down? Luckily, there is, but time is of the essence. You can’t sit around waiting on a guy to make up his mind about you though. You’re a valid individual who deserves the kind of relationship you’re looking for and there’s a guy out there waiting for someone just like you. In the meantime, mold yourself into a keeper by understanding the things that make him want to commit. If he doesn’t swoop you up, you’ll be one step closer to the dream mate for someone else. Win-win.
In the meantime, think about this: Men almost always devote themselves to a partner who “gets” them – the person in their life who truly sees their soul and grasps its beautiful complexity. Guys want to commit to someone they can trust and confide in. That’s why it’s so common for friends to eventually become lovers. The foundation is already there, so it ends up working out swimmingly. The worst thing you can do is guilt someone into pledging their allegiance to you. Not only will that end in resentment but it could also irreparably damage the relationship and make commitment a taboo subject. Instead of being a nag, step back and observe where you could fit into a man’s life. After all, he’ll be asking himself the same question about you.
Still questioning why your man won't give his all to you and you only? Here, let me break it down for you a little bit more:
It’s really that simple, and the same can be said for most women too. Usually, people don’t want to anchor their ships to partners who drag them down. Become an uplifting part of your man’s existence and he won’t know what to do without you. Essentially, you want to be someone who inspires him to be the best possible version of himself. If you have to do a lot of changing to his personality and perspectives, you’re not asking him to commit; you’re asking him to be someone he's not. No bueno.
Tired of the guessing games and run-around? So is everyone else besides the cats who can’t settle down. It’s tough to keep up with their wants and needs, so here's a 10-point breakdown to help you better understand what a man’s really looking for prior to making a commitment to a romantic partner:
Nobody said you have to be perfect because, let’s face it, Mr. Right probably isn’t flawless his damn self. It is what it is. The point is that you need to create a lasting bond that’s rooted in a real connection, plus it wouldn’t hurt to find someone whose morals, values and goals match your own because otherwise that connection is going to be hard to make and maintain. And I’m not talking about having favorite foods and songs in common. That’s Kindergarten shit. The way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s through his brain (with a shortcut through his pants). What makes you truly worth keeping is having an uncanny ability to reach your man’s soul on a deep, substantial level. Period.
Meanwhile, it’s important to work on yourself as well. Few men will commit to a partner who is bound by tons of fears and insecurities. Those emotions create an energy that actually repels men, so don’t even go there. If you’re not ready for a devoted, monogamous relationship, what makes you think he is? If you’re still hurt from the past or another partner, what makes you think he wants to deal with that? Before dogging a man who not committing to you, please be sure you are, in fact, worthy of being committed to. Take control of your thoughts, actions, reactions and behaviors or they’ll fuck up your chances with that man and leave you lonely.
Aside from simply thinking that commitment is a life-altering experience which holds a person back from enjoying their full potential, a lot of men are afraid to devote themselves to a single person because they choose to avoid the disappointment of unrequited love. In fact, one of the most common relationship issues stems from partners not being able to see eye-to-eye on important topics, which ultimately breeds uncertainty, instability and doubt. Those problems usually go both ways, but men and women handle emotions differently so the outcome is unique to the individuals involved. Either way, men sometimes find it hard to commit to a lover only because they’re fearful of the possibilities. It’s your job to make yourself look less risky and more comforting.
In my lifetime, I’ve had the pleasure of observing many couples – both committed and uncommitted. One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of guys claim an aversion to devotion only because they’re scared shitless of someone finding out who they really are. Personal information in the wrong hands can be very bad and a lot of men know that from first-hand experience. Your best bet is to set yourself apart by being trustworthy at all times. Remember, you’re not to blame for his trust issues but you don’t have to join the ranks of the rancid either. Show him you’re different and he’ll eventually become putty in your hands.
By the way, some guys will always run at the first sign of being softened by a partner. It’s just not who they are; they’ll never be the type to settle down. Those dudes have it in their minds that being vulnerable with another person is in some way emasculating – as if they’re somehow less of a man because they shared embarrassing details about their life as an imperfect human being. Guys like that respond positively to someone encouraging and/or admiring their unique personality and lifestyle choices. It will make him feel like you “get” what he’s about, and he’ll be more likely to open up his heart over time as a result.
On the other hand, there are a few other things that roll around in the average man’s head when he’s thinking about committing to someone – good reasons and bad reasons to make the leap. The pros and cons of romantic allegiance are complex, so it may take the boy some time to figure out which direction he wants to go with the relationship. A lot of times, this waiting game can cause impatient partners to dole out ultimatums and timelines. Not a good idea. Doing so can push your partner even further away and prevent them from bringing up the subject ever again. After all, you’ve just confirmed their fears about being controlled and manipulated once they devote their lives to someone else. Ouch.
By the way, you can scare the hell out a man easier than you think. These guys aren’t iron-clad. They’re made of flesh and blood just like the rest of us. So, as mysterious as he may seem to a partner who can’t understand his inherent simplicity, the truth is that males become frightened by the depth of their emotions. You have to approach this with white gloves, my friends. For starters, here are some of the most common fears men have about committing to a partner:
All of those fears are perfectly valid and should be handled with care. Men may be strong but their hearts are just as fragile as ours. It’s not cool to play games with someone’s emotions and then blame them for having logical insecurities. That’s the quickest way to make a man not only refuse to commit to you but also hate the idea of devoting their lives to anyone else. It’s the birth of bitterness, so proceed with caution. On the other hand, some guys have rather shitty reasons for not devoting their hearts to a lover and it’s sickening to think about how many awesome partners have been duped by deception for no good cause. Here are some of the not-so-fearful reasons why some men won’t stay true:
Granted, there may be more reasons than that and every man/relationship is different. However, knowing what your guy fears is the first step towards giving him what he truly wants. If you can determine what turns him off, turning him on in every way will be much easier and more enjoyable for the both of you. At the end of the day, relationships and commitment go hand in hand because both are designed to fulfill unspoken needs. So, what does your man need in order to commit? You know damn well he’s not going to just come out and say it anytime soon. This is when you need to strap on those thinking caps and use your common sense. Men are simple creatures, yes, but the paths to their devoted hearts may require a map from time to time.
All men are different, with varying needs and unique personalities that dictate how they behave in relationships and react to your advances. What works on one man might not do shit to another guy and vice versa. This is by no means a one-size-fits-all method and it’s not fool-proof either. Unfortunately, some people take my advice the wrong way and overcorrect the situation – beating dead horses into the ground with ignoring the perfectly healthy ones. The key is to hit all the major points until you can tell he’s devoted or you can see that he never will be. Keep your eyes open for the signs we discussed because you’re not getting any younger.
Meanwhile, here are the top 10 things most men require before they’ll even think about committing to a partner:
When the smoke clears and you’re both standing there looking at each other like “Who the hell is this person to me?” I hope that you can find the answers you’re looking for. Guys are searching for someone they can enjoy a lasting bond with, don’t let them fool you. They might possibly be more sensitive than the weaker sex, but it’s still important to let your boy toy be himself at all times. Provide a trustworthy friend in which he can confide and do your best to avoid jealousy and drama at all costs. Make your man feel wanted, needed and appreciated for who he is and the cards will be stacked in your favor. Help him make permanent, positive improvements to his personal and/or professional life along the way but remember that good men don’t need someone to do the work for them. In reality, the real ones are only looking for a cute, smart cheerleader to whisper sweet substance into his ear.
For some, committing to a partner may seem scary. A lot of men refuse to do it because they’re either unsatisfied with the partner they have, they’re curious about what else is out there, or they’re not mature enough to handle something as “serious” as being accountable to someone else. Devotion to a romantic relationship requires a certain type of personality, which means not all men are capable of taking the plunge. By learning to see the red flags before it’s too late, you may be able to make that man commit himself to you or at least know when you move on without him. In the meantime, don’t add pressure to the pot by constantly asking about his intentions and whereabouts. His actions will always speak louder than his words anyway, plus you can still have fun without him putting a ring on it (but yo, a ring would be nice).
For more motivation, remember these 5 things that legit devotion brings to the table (and maybe remind him of them in case he forgot):
Healthy commitments aren’t the same as codependency, by the way. If you do this right, you both should feel closer to one another and more fulfilled by life in general. Good luck out there and remember, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. If you do your best to make him devote himself to you and he still won’t, it’s perfectly fine to pick up your shit and move along.
Blake Parker makes Ron Jeremy look like Mother Theresa. His honest take on allthings pertaining to pleasure and relationships has made him a household name that’s synonymous with sexuality. Blake’s unique perspective on toys and techniques prepares the mind and body for more than just an incredible orgasm. Hisentertaining sex toy reviews, buyer’s guides, and How-To articles inform consumers of what nobody else will say. His readers demolish emotional/physical strongholds, tear down social taboos, and become more comfortable in their own skin as he and his partner enlighten the world one sex toy at a time. Notoriety isn’t the goal with Blake; satisfaction is.