Once upon a time, a horny young man had a vision of keeping a pussy in his pocket. He felt that if a man could carry around his own fake vagina then he wouldn’t need a woman ever again, let alone a job to pay for their expensive dates. And while we ended up keeping the women despite his convenient invention, we never got rid of the pocket pussies he conceptualized either. Now, the sex toy industry has expanded in every direction and these purely perverted products are taking center stage.
Unfortunately, that same influx in variety that got us all excited now has many of us confused. There’s such a vast selection of pocket pussies on the market that the average man probably goes cross-eyed just thinking about it. The good news is that after several decades of these sex toys being tested out by modern-day men with discernment, the champions have organically risen to the top like delectable little curds of milk. To the victor now go the spoils.
On any given day you’ll find hundreds of different devices that are designed to look and feel like a real human vagina (supposedly). However, they’re not all made the same nor are they all effective at producing manually driven orgasms. Granted, a man will ejaculate if almost anything rubs against his dick in the right way, but what guy wants to spend his hard-earned money on a piece of shit device? Here’s what the market has revealed to be the top 11 best pocket pussies of all time (so far):
Tell your penis that this is its Everything bagel. Th Autoblow Automilker is crafted out of luxury-grade materials it features enough bells and whistles to make an man say "yum." Customizable while still remaining simplified and sexy., its packaging is just as minimalist and tasteful, although its performance is definitely not. The totality of its design is the main selling point, with nothing independently remarkable to point out other than the overall shape and/or size of the machine itself (which is rather small considering the huge power output).
This innocuous looking beast offers 10 distinct vibration modes that can be altered with the touch of a button. The only thing missing is a wireless remote for a partner to play with, but that’s not even necessary thanks to the palm-sized construction and general user-friendliness. This compact, lightweight device fits all body types and has two robust motors that can work in tandem or separately, with a quick start capability that requires very little downtime and maximum control for either party.
First of all, let me ask you a question: If you could own a male masturbation device that never needed replaced would you buy it? How about if that device featured an exclusive set of bumps and ridges along the inside of its tight, stretchy, life-like canal, would you go for it then? Most me would and nobody would blame them. After all, the Lifetime Silicone Stroker is the world’s very first indestructible pocket pussy and that’s pretty fucking impressive if you ask me. The fact that it’s unbreakable while still being flexible, compact and skin-safe is a modern-day miracle, to be quite honest.
The LSS is the first of its kind to meet or exceed the ridiculously high military standard known as MIL-STD-810 – a rigorous bar set on all soldier’s combat equipment. With that said, this thing is obviously built to last but does it do the trick like flimsier models? To make a long story short, yes, although it may not be the ideal device for all men because of its weird size and shape which makes it kind of hard to grip. Either way, there’s something to be said about a toy that can outlast the human that it’s inspired by and I, for one, think that’s pretty sexy.
Why would you go for one vajayjay when you could have three? This six-piece kit had me questioning my current relationship status for more reasons than one. It’s a triple threat with all the compact convenience of a one-off pleasure product. The THRUST brand is known for their high-end pocket pussies as this bad boy is no exception. With a removable vibrating bullet that works on all three of the included strokers, the Full Force Realistic Vagina Kit is neat, petite and oh so sweet.
The trio – Eva, Abbie and Chloe - features three separate masturbators that fit inside one single case uses a series of hyper-realistic canal textures, each of which are carefully designed to create a distinct sensation throughout the entirety of the penile shaft. However, the TFF fake vag combo in question would still suck if it didn’t fit most penises like it does. The insertable length is a generous 5 inches in depth with a quarter-inch diameter. So, while it might not fit every cock on the block it’s most certainly a tantalizing tease to the corona of the well-hung.
Are you one of those guys who likes to beat your beat for long periods of time without stopping? Do you prefer a nicely slicked up vagina as opposed to a dry and stale one? How may times have you been in the middle of masturbating when you had to stop to apply more lube? Are you tired of all the questions? Good, because I only have answers from here on out. For example, the THRUST brand’s Pro Mini Real Deal Kit might very well be the answer to all the problems mentioned above (mainly because it’s hot, tight and does all the hard work for you).
Unlike other pocket pussies, this full waterproof, self-lubricating one uses a patented core to continually pump the liquid to the canal’s lining. On top of that, the four-piece kit features a specially textured PP that measures .25 inches in diameter and offers a 5-inch insertable length – ideal for most penis sizes. The lubing core can be used up to 8 times before needing replaced and the entire thing comes snuggled inside a convenient mesh storage bag. By the way, this toy can house a removable bullet vibrator if you’re into that kind of thing (which you probably are, let’s be honest).
Crafted after the world’s very first vaginal beauty pageant was complete, the makers of yet another innovative product (the Autoblow A.I.) set out to create a new line of sleeves for their high-tech masturbation machines. What ended up happening instead was the development of an entire line of pocket pussies (with a bunch of new liners for their devices too). So now, instead of men being forced to fuck something that’s conjured up by some pervert’s imagination, they can enjoy the realistic visuals and sensations of an actual living woman’s vajeen – with a margin of error that’s less than .1mm. Say what?
Each one of these unique sex toys for men features its own distinct canal texture, with a casing that’s complete with a clear handle so you can easily watch as the action takes place. Best of all, the manufacturer lets you choose between which pussy you prefer the most. Select from one of the top three pageant winners: Nell, Jenny and Anita. They’re all crafted out of super soft, skin-safe materials, curiously detailed based on the model’s appearance at the time of creation and shipped to your door in an unmarked box. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t get any better than that, but I’m willing to be proven wrong.
Fans of the hot and sexy Jesse Andrews rejoice! The reputable brand-turn-household-name, Doc Johnson, has created an exclusive pocket pussy that’s molded to look and feel exactly like hers. The JA All-American Girl is made out of the manufacturer’s patented ULTRASKYN material and the canal shows off its specialized realism and dick tickling texturization. Hidden beneath a realistic outer appearance complete with labial folds and a clitoris is a canal that measures a quarter inch in diameter and allows a 5-inch dick inside of it – perfect for the average sized man. Plus, the stretchy materials can expand and contract to create a tight squeeze to your shaft, allowing for better customization of the sensations inside.
Just like in real life, Jesse is most compatible with water-based lubes but she’s okay with trying new things. You won’t get a glimpse of her asshole with this one, but we’re petty sure that’s coming next. Either way, the Jesse Andrews is definitely an All-American Girl because her work ethic is obvious. Long-lasting and easy to clean, she’s a true force to be reckoned with, especially if you’re new to the game. So, while she lacks some of the higher-end features you might like, her overall construction is right on-point (and the box comes with a cue picture of her on the front for inspiration).
Men who are into realistic looking vaginas with exclusive canal textures might enjoy fucking something from the famous Fleshlight Girls Collection. Each one of these devices is molded after a well-known porn star, with over a dozen names to choose from. Their orifices are made to look and feel exactly like the model and the sleeve’s interior texturization leaves nothing to the imagination either. In fact, the features and sensations are so real that the stars themselves have put their signature on the top. Best of all, these toys use the brand’s patented SuperSkin material for enhanced realism and they’re just as easy to clean as the traditional Fleshlight fucks wands too.
More than that though, the FGC is super penis friendly. This means the average man can fit safely inside each chamber and a large or small dick can have fun as well. Wrapped snuggly around a durable casing for better material protection and control (just like the original design), these bad boys may be full-sized replicas of popular pussies but at least they’re not pocket-sized relics of what could be. They’re compatible with all lube types, especially the water-based varieties and hey, at least you don’t have to take it to dinner first.
Pocket pussies are notorious for breaking down quickly, especially once they start being used for extreme jerk off sessions. Well, the helpful Honey Pot has been invented to save the day – or mimic the size, shape and design of a Fleshlight, we’re not sure. Either way, it’s a conveniently packaged poon-tang that’s nestled deep inside the durable outer casing and it’s impressive to say the least. I mean, this thing probably isn’t your idea of a “pocket pussy” per say, but it certainly features the same compact design and explosive canal texture we all know and love, so who really gives a damn?
The exterior of the canal is just as exciting as the interior. It has a bunch of realistic details like labial folds and wrinkling, reminded us all of just how downright gorgeous the female genitalia can be. Although relatively small and dense, this tight little toy swallows a quarter inch of circumference before the stretch and can accommodate penises that measure up to 7.5 inches in total length. Best of all, the entire thing features no brand insignia for maximum discretion and the sleeve can be pulled out for easy cleaning.
I’ve always been a big fan of the removeable sleeves offered by some of these sex toy manufacturers, and that’s probably what started my obsession with pocket pussies in the first place. Having searched high and low for one that was easy to use, I happened up the Fleshskins Blue Ice and my life hasn’t been the same since. This bad boy features a delicately detailed canal texture covered in the same great SuperSkin material the entire Fleshlight lineup is made out of. It just so happens to be the brand’s very first sleeve-only masturbator for men, and I’m just happy to have been around to witness it.
This is a one-size-fits-all pleasure product folks, and you know what that means: Men can get their rocks off inside this bad mamma-jamma no matter how big or small their penis is. The convenient construction is another thing I’d like to mention while we’re on the topic. Surprisingly, the maker decided to remove the hard-outer casing and replace it with a built-in brass knuckle-like hand gripper? I don’t know why those other guys didn’t think of that but I certainly hope it starts some kind of manufacturing trend because I’m all over that like white on rice, yo.
Have you painstakingly searched everywhere but still can’t find the perfect pocket pussy? Have no fear, my fine-feathered friends, because now you can mold your own fake vagina in the comfort of your living room (or kitchen, since this shit can get kind of messy). Immortalize your favorite twat and then guess what: you can fuck it to your heart’s content because the materials you’ll be using are made from skin-safe ingredients. Yay for technology, can I get a witness? This must have been how the ladies felt when the same company released its “Clone-a-Willy” kit to the general public. Theirs has a removeable bullet vibrator; yours has an attachable pleasure sleeve. It all works out in the end.
Meanwhile, buyers can present the kit as a kinky gift for their partner(s) and never have to buy the whole kit and caboodle again. The company sells the algae-based molding material separately but the mold itself can be used again and again as long as it’s properly washed off between projects. Full instructions are included for newbies and everything’s pretty easy to understand as long as you’re capable of following simple steps from start to finish. I especially liked the fact that the powder is available in several different colors, but I’ll just let your imagination run from there.
Sue Johanson is one of the world's most respected sex therapists, so she would know a thing or two about producing a pocket pussy for horny men. Her Head Honcho stroker is sleek, stylish, simple and satisfying as long as you use it as intended. Not nearly as durable as some of the other products on this list and completely transparent which may be a turn-off for some guys, this device is still a reliable source of penile pleasure and it can even go into the water for wet and wild games. Fortunately, that's not anywhere near where the buck stops with this thing.
First of all, it features three separate suction cavities so you can customize the sensations inside the canal. Secondly, that canal has a pretty intense texture which stretches and contracts around the shaft to stimulate the nerve endings from base to tip. The opening is shaped like a vaginal orifice too, so entry is far more interesting than simply using your hand. It measures .25 inches in diameter with a generous 2-inch girth allowance, so it's safe to say the Sue's still looking out for the average man.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to pick out a good pocket pussy but it might help at this point. Manufacturers are always coming up with new and improved ideas, yet their former products don’t always get lifted off the shelves and competitors are being created every single day. Men are thus left wondering what to stick their dicks into next, and few worthy brands are there to save them. Neglected and frustrated, many guys fall victim to low-quality pouch twats and the problem is getting worse with every passing second. It’s a sick, sad world out there, folks, but don’t worry about all that because I’ve got some of the answers.
These things are exactly what they sound like – fake vaginas that are small enough to fit inside of your pocket (or at least inside a small carry-on bag). Crafted to resemble the human vajeen in all its beautiful glory, pocket pussies are made specifically to mimic the sensations of intercourse with the female sex organ. Some people get these devices confused with oral sex simulators that look like human mouths but are relatively the same size. Well, don’t get it twisted; PPs are the spitting image of, well, pee-pees.
Unlike the real thing, however, these man-made masterpieces require an external source of lubrication and/or heat. Furthermore, these sex toys aren’t always marketed purely for pleasure. A few are crafted for medical purposes only, treating things like Peyronie’s Disease (PD), erectile dysfunction (ED) and even the more cosmetic problems like premature ejaculation and performance enhancement. Products developed specifically for pleasure often have the same basic features, although their detailing is usually more in-depth and they’re sometimes compatible with other devices and accessories like harnesses and sleeve warmers.
Otherwise known as an artificial vagina, stroker or male masturbator, these delicious ding-dong treats are most commonly used for manual erotica and/or assisted couple’s play. They’re usually suitable for men of all penis sizes because they stretch to meet his dimensional requirements, and thanks to their relatively compact size they can also be taken along on trips without alarming TSA. Smaller and more portable yet just as equally arousing (for the most part), pocket pussies don’t always allow for hands-free stimulation but they’re sure as hell a convenient alternative to a sex doll.
Artificial vaginas will naturally possess features that makes them appealing to the penis, although some of them aren’t quite as pleasing to the eye. With an internal and external construction that’s supposed to look like a real human sex organ, powerful PPs can offer a wide variety of stimulating sensations to the user’s crotch. Featuring a uniquely texturized canal and a series of life-like details that pique the interest of the mind and body simultaneously, each masturbation tunnel has its own set of pros and cons that must be carefully considered by the buyer ahead of time – usually because the manufacturer doesn’t provide a warranty and/or because the product is classified as disposable.
Yes, pocket pussies are the only vagina in the world that you can, and most likely will, end up throwing in the trash. I know it sounds like blasphemy, but if you buy a certain type of toy then you’ll be recycling it sooner than later. Longer-lasting devices typically cost a bit more than the disposable ones and they aren’t always as portable, but that increase in price doesn’t reflect better quality or greater efficacy in all cases. It’s all about discovering your ideal plaything, and this is how you do it:
As you can see, using a PP is a big responsibility. And while that last sentence may sound like the beginning of a very lame rap song, it’s still a very true statement that shouldn’t be ignored. So, when you’re done taking dick measurements, crunching numbers and checking for onlookers, don’t forget to think about the pros and cons of ownership.
Believe it or not, owning and using a pocket pussy isn’t all fun and games. With that said, it’s important for you to understand what you’re getting into. Here are the things you should think about before buying one of these things, because God forbid you get it home and experience and unexpected nightmare:
Remember, brothers: There’s no such thing as the perfect pleasure product and there never will be. Humans are simply too diverse for one single product to have it all. On top of that, what one person finds pleasurable another person might find hellish. This kind of thing takes perspective and thrives off of preference. In other words, know yourself better than the marketers do because it’s their sole purpose in life to take your money.
Now that you know what the most common features are, how to size them up according to your needs and why owning one of these things is such a double-edged sword, you can finally begin searching for a specific device. While you’re out there, be sure to look around for pocket pussies that have the following five properties:
TIP: If all else fails, use a condom made from a compatible material.
TIP: Use plenty of lube to enjoy a tight masturbation experience without friction.
Q: Do I need any special skills or equipment to use one of these things?
A: All you need to enjoy a pussy is a dick and a libido, so it’s no different for the pussies you put in your pocket. Because these devices are relatively low-tech and often even disposable after only one or two uses, there’s generally no special equipment needed. However, in terms of skill, buyers may need to brush up on their masturbation techniques to enjoy the full spectrum of features on these things. Furthermore, everyone should have plenty of high-quality water-based lube on deck because, let’s face it, you’re fucking a fake vagina that doesn’t generate its own fluids. Be safe out there, boys.
Q: How do I properly clean and maintain my toy?
A: All sex toys are made differently and thus they all have unique care and maintenance routines requires. Always read the label or the owner’s manual provided for specifics regarding your device. There, you’ll usually find directions for upkeep and cleanliness as well as a list of the dos and don’ts. For most toys, however, a quick rinse with warm water and a non-abrasive, anti-bacterial soap should do. Allow the toy to air dry before storing it or using it again.
NOTE: If the device is disposable, either be sure to throw it away immediately to prevent the spread of bacteria or follow the basic care routine mentioned above until the toy’s integrity is depleted.
Q: Is there are certain way to store these things when I’m done?
A: Most portable devices come with a storage container, but PPs are an exception because they don’t always include things like that in their box. With that said, it’s still important to keep track of your toy and store it in a place that’s safe and secure. Pick bedside tables and dresser drawers for best results. Keep the device out of the reach of children (of course) but make sure it’s nowhere near direct sunlight or extreme hot/cold temperatures as those conditions can lessen the toy’s integrity by damaging its materials.
About Blake Parker
Blake Parker makes Ron Jeremy look like Mother Theresa. His honest take on allthings pertaining to pleasure and relationships has made him a household name that’s synonymous with sexuality. Blake’s unique perspective on toys and techniques prepares the mind and body for more than just an incredible orgasm. Hisentertaining sex toy reviews, buyer’s guides, and How-To articles inform consumers of what nobody else will say. His readers demolish emotional/physical strongholds, tear down social taboos, and become more comfortable in their own skin as he and his partner enlighten the world one sex toy at a time. Notoriety isn’t the goal with Blake; satisfaction is.