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Who the hell said masturbation isn’t a completely natural (and surprisingly healthy) pastime? Those idiots have obviously been living under a rock out in the middle of the woods. It’s sort of interesting that their understanding of self-pleasure isn’t more sophisticated than that considering their proximity to obvious examples. After all, scientists have observed all sorts of animals jerking off in the wild – monkeys, deer, squirrels, cats, dogs, and even walruses. Your propensity to pull on your penis is, as some would say, your God-given right. Being creative about it doesn’t change anything either. In fact, a bunch of apes were caught several times using sticks for enhanced sexual gratification. And you think you’re weird? Nah, son.
Your problem is just that you’ve been using all the wrong tools and techniques. I hate to break it to you but waxing your whistle with your bare hands is outdated and, quite frankly, a little sad. The sex toy industry is massive these days because guys like you and me got sick of being lame and sexually frustrated. You should have seen what our ancestors used to do. We’ve made incredible progress for the penis, and now we have an overly saturated market with penis milking machines as far as the eyes can see. It’s no wonder you’ve had a hard time picking one out, and it doesn’t help when you waste money on something shitty. The struggle is real.
Your friends will have a bunch of product recommendations but they probably won’t talk about it without being drunk. Your friendly neighborhood adult entertainment store will offer a wide selection of options but the employee can’t tell you everything about each product on the shelves. Manufacturers will reveal the attractive details of their device but they won’t go anywhere near the drawbacks. There are no classes, you can’t ask your mama, and your penis’s opinion is what got you into that last shitty relationship, so no help there either. Your only hope is to consider these 11 penis milking machines and call it a day:
The Autoblow A.I. was developed after a fuck ton of imagination and hundreds of hours of research on oral sex techniques. The result of such tenacity has been the world’s very first male sex toy equipped with artificial intelligence (hence the name). The self-driven 10+ feature fiasco produced by Very Intelligent Ecommerce, Inc. is controlled through a built-in button interface on the front, plus everything is powered via a universal plug that goes directly into any standard wall outlet – a convenient feature that lets users masturbate nonstop if that’s what they want to do. And in cases where the user wants to stop and go at random intervals without losing their favorite setting, the AAI also offers a one-of-a-kind Edging function.
The good part hasn’t even been discussed yet: The built-in A.I. computer is set to change its technique until you get off or press stop. And even though many people would say that the Autoblow A.I. is kinda loud, that tiny flaw doesn’t take away from the fact that it uses a patented penis gripper to ensure optimal pleasure with every stroke. It also doesn’t negate the value of the realistic sleeve material or the device’s overall user-friendliness. The sleeves can be easily removed for quick cleaning too. Oh yeah, and it’s made by an American-born company with innovative insights and it doesn’t need the first piece of extra equipment to get started either.
Here’s a fun fact for ya: There’s a special spot located just below the tip of your dick (on the back side) that can be described as the most sensitive part of the entire organ. It’s the male version of the clitoris and it deserves lots of attention whether your partner cares to admit it or not. In fact, the nerve endings in that particular spot are so tender that doctors often stimulate it to help men recover after spinal and/or penile injuries. Until the Automilker was invented, however, only medical-grade devices were strong enough to serve as that type of therapy. Autoblow, therefore, changed the game in a miraculous way.
This beautiful beast by Autoblow offers 10 distinct vibration modes that can be altered with the touch of a button. The only thing missing is a wireless remote for a partner to play with, but that’s not even necessary thanks to the palm-sized construction and general user-friendliness. This compact, lightweight device fits all body types and has two robust motors that can work in tandem or separately, with a quick start capability that requires very little downtime and maximum control for either party. Best of all, the son of a bitch is damn near silent even when it’s on the highest setting, so you can make this a group activity or keep it a secret – whatever you choose.
The original version of this toy represented the world’s very first automatic penis milking machine, but that doesn’t mean it’s always been the best. Some of the initial technologies have been surpassed by greater achievements, yet the device’s overall concept remains one of our culture’s favorites because of its convenient functionality, discreet design, and solid pleasure features (in general). As an updated version of the original, the Lovense Max 2 aims to improve upon all of those things by being a better example of what simplicity and science can achieve when they’ve both got blue balls. Its dimensions and power are peculiar to say the least, especially considering how little this machine can actually do in comparison to some of its competitors.
Either way, the USB rechargeable Lovense Max 2 provides slick and silky stimulation that can mimic the sensations of real intercourse or oral sex. It’s also ideal for long-distance relationships because it offers wireless remote-control functionality and uses a compatible smart phone app for sneakier sex-periences. Hook the components up via Bluetooth and explore the built-in pleasure settings that await your genitals, then clean it up quickly thanks to the smart design. This bad boy even has customizable suction vents on the side so you can boss the machine around manually while it does the deed hands-free.
It may not look like much at first glance, but the Kiiroo brand’s Onyx + is one of the world’s most favored male masturbators because of its unique design and compatibility with other toys. In fact, it works with any other interactive device in the manufacturer’s collection, including the female-based Pearl 2 insertable vibrating dildo. The machine itself offers a wide variety of pre-programmed stroking functions supporting an array of pleasure settings via the built-in control interface placed conveniently on the side of the ergonomic, palm-sized casing. On top of that, the KO2 is capable of hooking up with a huge database of virtual porn content for a real-time jerk off experience, making it a formidable contender among other automatic penis milkers.
Interestingly, the USB rechargeable Onyx + by Kiiroo possesses a commanding motor beneath its otherwise innocuous yet masculine-looking exterior. For real, that bad boy churns out strokes at satisfying speeds and controls the contracting canal within the shaft chamber which, by the way, is lined with a silky-smooth material that’s compatible with all skin types and any water-based lube you own. The machine also offers a whisper quiet operation for superb discretion, even and especially when high-tech features like the motion sensors are on full display.
The Fleshlight brand is synonymous with luxury-grade male masturbators in homes across the country but that doesn’t mean everything in their inventory is amazing. In fact, some people think their devices are too heavy, too awkwardly shaped, or difficult to use. Fortunately, the brand’s answer has come in the form of an automatic penis milking machine called the Launch, and it’s catapulting the competition in a direction that none of us could have imagined. This self-driven device acts as a powerful housing unit for any standard sized toy in their stash (including the famous Fleshlight Girls Collection), instantly turning your manual FL products into hands-free fuck sticks of epic proportions.
More than that though, the USB rechargeable Fleshlight Launch performs the unique duty of being a high-tech hub for channeling visual inspiration from the web. Users can sync the device via Bluetooth to an internet-based library of 2D and 3D porn content while enjoying real-time masturbation and/or sex experiences with live performers, pre-recorded sessions or their favorite partners from across the world (as long as they have a compatible device). This unusual machine seems to be linking mankind in a new and exciting way despite the fact that if it’s a relatively complex contraption that can’t be used unless you buy a bunch of extra shit (P.S. It’s also available in a money-saving stamina training pack).
This thing is the ultimate penis stroking machine for any man who likes complete control over his pleasure situation. It’s unlike anything in the industry so far, which is unfortunately why some men don’t like it. Still, the F1s Developer’s Kit (or SDK) by the respectable LELO brand is a force to be reckoned with. Why? Because it allows its users to directly tinker with the operating system via the world’s very first Sex-Tech Platform which, by the way, can be controlled through a free downloadable app just in case it wasn’t convenient enough. The Developer Software needed is included with every purchase, but it’s important to note that the unadulterated device is designed to be a treasure of pleasure all on its own.
Whichever way you choose to enjoy this USB rechargeable tinker-toy, understand that you’ll be getting a virtually endless variety of stroke speeds and intensity levels to experiment with. You’ll also become privy to 360-degree stimulation, a tight masturbation canal lined with satiny, skin-like materials, and use of 10 highly responsive motion sensors designed to create penis-perfect sensations based on the selected function. And while some men find this high-tech gadget a little too advanced and therefore not ideal, it’s an exceptional option for a tech-savvy guy or anyone who can read the simple instructions included.
Some men prefer more tangible visuals than any virtual reality interface can provide and that’s okay. In fact, the sex toy industry has heard their cries and beautiful booties are have been made available for the average man to dumb his load into. One such device is called the Twerking Butt Elite and it carries the prestigious Cyberskin name with it. Crafted out of high-end, skin-like materials and designed to look, feel, and act like a real human ass (complete with an automatic, controllable twerking function), this thing provides the kind of solo stimulation some guys sometimes prefer. It also has two different masturbation canals to choose from, so vaginal or anal are both a possibility.
Furthermore, each of the canals features a different texture and measurement, which means the sensations can be as distinct as your appetites. To make things even more interesting, the manufacturer also threw in a self-heating core that warms the machine to the temperature of a live human partner with the touch of a button. There are also some integrated multi-speed vibrations to explore and the device is set at an ergonomic angle for maximum penetration, but you’ll have to get creative when cleaning it because it’s not the easiest thing in the world.
May not accommodate all penis sizes
The maker encourages buyers of the TITAN ‘Feel Porn Stars’ Experience to “release their inner beast,” but I think this thing is a bit too sophisticated for all that. Still, it generates an extreme amount of automatic penile pleasure anyway and it’s all because of the powerful, USB rechargeable motor that manages the various pleasure settings, intensity levels, and stroking speeds within the sleek masturbation canal. Clandestine and compact, this bad boy is not only compatible with all virtual reality equipment but it also optimizes the use of that equipment through its access to a massive 3D porn collection. Use that or the half-dozen built-in pleasure settings, it doesn’t really matter.
The important thing here is that you understand how the KT can (or can’t) revolutionize your love life. Similar to other toys made by the Amsterdam-based Kiiroo brand, this heavy hitter can link up to anything from the maker’s inventory for a fun, interactive experience with a partner who has a compatible machine. Best of all, it’s made to work in tandem with the Fleshlight Launch and recharges in a snap. So, while it may be lacking some of the power you’re looking for and it’s not as feature dense as some of its cousins, the TITAN is still hugely successful at integrating new technologies into old-school bedrooms.
Made exclusively for men who like to watch the action happen, the Quickshot Launch is yet another impressive display of the Fleshlight brand’s intuitive production powers. This robust robot automatically pumps your penis at speeds of up to 250 strokes per minute, which comes up to about 4 times per second in case you’re counting. The machine itself acts similarly to the original Launch device, only this one is compatible with the clear Quickshot sleeve and nothing else – a turn-off for some guys looking to experiment with textures, especially when they’re playing around with virtual reality porn content (which is possible with this device).
Fortunately, the QSL boasts a convenient design and well-placed ergonomics throughout, despite the fact that it’s relatively larger than most male sex toys in this category and somewhat loud by comparison to some. The open-ended concept makes it extremely easy to clean and maintain though, plus the built-in control interface and universal smart phone mount aren’t bad touches either. Users can experience an hour or more of uninterrupted penile pleasure thanks to the USB rechargeable battery and every interactive function is powered by your own Bluetooth connection or mobile data hotspot.
For many men, getting a decent erection is damn near impossible. For others, keeping it is the main problem. For both, the TENGA brand’s Flip Zero EV might be the answer. This durable dick milker may not offer the automatic, hands-free stimulation that some devices do, but at least it has a flip-open design that accommodates penises even when they’re still flaccid. Crafted specifically for men with erectile dysfunction and/or Peyronie’s Disease, this curious looking sex toy envelopes the shaft while sending pulses of pleasure to every nook and cranny via the integrated vibrating motor (“E.V.” stands from “electronic vibrations,” by the way). As mindful as it is magical, it seems the hinged dimensions are ideal for almost any man on the planet.
Not only can it accommodate nearly any penis size but the device itself allows for effortless pleasure even though it’s all manually powered. Each of the vibe settings can be controlled via the built-in button interface and there are even a couple of pressure pads on the sides for further tailoring. The Flip Zero EV is also rechargeable via USB and comes highly recommended by doctors treating men for sexual health malfunctions. Best of all, it features no texture on the sleeve so premature ejaculation is no longer a problem either.
Once upon a time there was a beauty contest for vaginas. After a long and grueling search for the prettiest pussy, three twats were named winners. Their vajeens were then 3D molded and manufactured by the same high-tech company that created the Autoblow A.I. What we have now is a three-part collection of the world’s most realistic “fake” genitals. Confused yet? Just imagine the most attractive flap you’ve ever seen, then imagine fucking a replica that’s made within a .1mm degree of error. You can’t hook it up to an automatic machine and it won’t vibrate for you because it doesn’t need to, but at least you can say you got some real pussy for once in your life.
Nell, Anita and Jenny await the average man’s penis with distinct textures that are designed exclusively for maximum penile pleasure. Giving the Fleshlight Girls Collection a run for its money, these handsome handhelds feature silky soft, skin-like materials mixed with ergonomic dimensions and user-friendly functionality. They’re extremely easy to clean too, plus they’re fully submersible in water and made to be temperature responsive as well. So, while they’re not a high-tech or hands-free option, they’re well worth a man’s consideration for the simple fact that they’re so unique. It helps that the makers provided a slip-resistant grip on the casing though, but only because it’s all manual power from here.
On any given shopping trip for a penis milking machine, you’ll find hundreds, if not thousands, of different options. Meanwhile, manufacturers work with teams of talented marketing experts to convince consumers that theirs is the best product available. What results is a flooded industry that leaves many people too confused to make a confident purchase. The only solution is education, but few folks talk about this kind of thing because it’s “too personal” or “inappropriate” in some way. Fortunately, I disagree.
I think that savvy shopping habits are the key to finding exactly what you need. Scrupulous searching techniques can help you eliminate the unnecessary while simultaneously highlighting the ideal. Clever advertisements and convincing sales strategies aside, what’s most important is that you know what a good penis milking machines is and isn’t. After all, it’s damn near impossible to discover what you want when you don’t even know what that is. Let this buying guide serve as your non-formal education on the matter, with a degree in great sex and satisfying orgasms on the line.
A penis milking machine, sometimes known as a male masturbator, is a synthetic device designed to force penile ejaculation through the use of various components, materials and features. Most of the time, these machines are fully automatic and have ergonomic dimensions appropriate for the average male body. They tend to come in an extremely wide variety of shapes and sizes, with the most popular options offering proportions that are ideal for average dicks, plus features that are attractive to any man walking the Earth.
Crafted for direct stimulation of the penis shaft, glans and/or perineum, milking toys for men can be used by individuals for solo masturbation or enjoyed as a couple’s toy for enhanced foreplay – all depending on the toy’s overall design. Usually, these devices feature specialized stimulation textures and/or preprogrammed pleasure settings – each one which have been created for the express purpose of generating an intense penile orgasm. Devices can be manual or automatic too, depending on the brand. Furthermore, dick milkers like these are often used in conjunction with other sex toys, including but not always limited to things like:
In fact, some of the industry’s best models offer a unique design that’s compatible with specific accessories such as sleeve warmers, Bluetooth, VR goggles, etc. Therefore, it can be said that penis milking machines are but a small (albeit important) part of a much bigger pleasure puzzle. However, when the right one is chosen, a dick juicer can act as a stand-alone product in most cases.
As with any chain of command, though, the wrong choice can have long-reaching consequences. For example, if the milking device you choose isn’t the right one, the entire occasion can become an irritating and disappointing one. The best way to prevent that from happening is to gain enough knowledge about the common features that you learn what to look for and what to avoid. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist; it only takes good, unbiased information.
Shopping for the next best penis milker can be a huge headache, especially for someone who’s new to this or unfamiliar with what the industry offers. It can be hard to see past all the bright lights and clever, attention-getting ploys but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Just use the following factors to determine whether that toy in your hand is worth it or not:
TIP: Measure your erect penis to make sure the canal in the penis milker you choose is sized appropriately.
TIP: Make sure the toy’s materials are also compatible with your preferred lube type.
TIP: Remember, quality is often more important than quantity here.
TIP: Look for anatomical curves and gripper points, especially for manual devices.
TIP: Typical gear includes smart devices, VR goggles and mobile/internet connections.
Keep in mind that those are just the most important factors to consider and are by no means the only. Here are few more things you might want to look at before making up your mind:
Knowing how to see through the bullshit is great, but what happens when things get personal? This is, after all, one of the most subjective purchases a man can make. Doesn’t it make sense to narrow your search based on tailored criteria? Here are some of the final things you need to know or think about before laying that money on the table:
Sex toy selection is and should always be a matter of opinion. What feels like a million bucks to one person may not produce the same level of pleasure for another. Personally, I like being spanked, but some people will knock you the fuck out if you hit them like that. It’s all about perspective, that is, as long as your perspective is rooted in wisdom and savvy shopping methods. Don’t fall for the hype, choose something that’s ideal for your unique lifestyle, and start using it without apologies because the taboo has been lifted (and even if it hasn’t, none of us give a shit anyway).
Q: Is there are certain way that I’m supposed to clean my sex toy when I’m done using it?
A: All modern-day sex toys are made differently, which means their care and maintenance routines will vary widely based on their components and construction. Always read the user’s manual included with your device for specific information on how to clean it after each use. In general, however, a quick rinse with warm water and a non-abrasive, hypoallergenic soap should do the trick. Note that some devices require additional washing with a specialized sex toy cleaner and/or material renewal powder for best results and machine longevity. Whatever the case, always allow your toy to dry fully before stowing it away.
Q: Do I need to clean a male masturbation machine before I insert my penis into it?
A: As long as you wash the device after each time you play with it, you most likely won’t have to clean it again before you restart. However, toys that are stored in areas prone to dirt, dust or debris might need a quick wipe-down just to be safe. Also, it’s always a good idea to check the condition and cleanliness of the machine’s battery ports and power connections prior to turning it on or plugging it in. Any frayed wires or corrosion should be met with extreme caution.
Q: How do I properly store one of these things?
A: Because cock juicers come in such a wide variety of shapes and sizes, it’s impossible to name one specific way to store them. In many cases, the device itself comes with a compatible storage container or one can be purchased through the manufacturer. However, most people find it perfectly acceptable to store their machine in a bedside table or closet, although size does play a role in their ability to do so discreetly. If all else fails, use the box it came in until you can find something better. Whatever happens, keep your machine away from moisture (unless it’s expressly marketed as waterproof) and avoid exposing it to extreme hot or cold temperatures.
Q: What happens if my machine breaks after I start playing with it?
A: Masturbating with a man-made machine is a right and a responsibility, so always pay close attention to the instructions listed on the owner’s manual. This will help prevent avoidable accidents, malfunctions and damages to the device. The good news is that some high-end dick milking machines come with a limited warranty from the manufacturer. Be sure to register for it within 30 days of the purchase date, and if something bad happens, you’ll have adequate protection for a replacement machine or your money back. NOTE: Not all machines come with this type of quality guarantee so be careful before and after your purchase.
Q: What kind of lube should I use?
A: The lube you choose when masturbating with a penis milking machine depends on a couple different factors, including:
Blake Parker makes Ron Jeremy look like Mother Theresa. His honest take on allthings pertaining to pleasure and relationships has made him a household name that’s synonymous with sexuality. Blake’s unique perspective on toys and techniques prepares the mind and body for more than just an incredible orgasm. Hisentertaining sex toy reviews, buyer’s guides, and How-To articles inform consumers of what nobody else will say. His readers demolish emotional/physical strongholds, tear down social taboos, and become more comfortable in their own skin as he and his partner enlighten the world one sex toy at a time. Notoriety isn’t the goal with Blake; satisfaction is.