Did you know that 44% of people say they prefer to wait for at least one year before introducing sex toys into the relationship? That means your love life runs the risk of becoming stale long before your partner agrees to kick things up a notch. At that point, you basically have two choices: Find a sex toy that changes their mind or find one to service yourself with during the lovemaking lull. For millions of men around the world, the best and most satisfying solution is found behind door number two – a wonderful and whimsical land where onaholes hold high office. It’s no wonder, then, why there are now so many options on the sex toy market.
The same studies suggest that women are more likely to use vibrators and self-pleasure tools than men but I, for one, think the findings are rigged. After all, it flies in the face of the old saying that goes, “90% of men masturbate and the other 10% are liars.” How can both realities exist simultaneously unless we’re missing something? In my opinion, we’re missing a major part of the puzzle and it’s the wide and crazy world of male masturbation devices, especially the ones designed for discretion as much as they’re designed for pleasure. We don’t have to maintain the stigma that’s been placed on us, but it will remain in effect as long as we settle for low-quality products. That shit ends now.
I know what you’re thinking: “Not another sex toy prick trying to tell us what we should spend our money on.” I’m annoyed with myself, but we can’t sit around expecting manufacturers to tell us the God’s honest truth about their products. We can’t fault them for their cleverness either. After all, everyone’s just trying to make a living while keeping their balls nice and empty. We’re actually after the same exact thing, we’re just meeting in the middle from different angles. It’s high time we stop shooting the messenger for trying to find a balance between those two vital objectives. As such, here are the 10 onaholes that helped me do that a little bit better:
The Lifetime Silicone Stroker by the makers of Autoblow offers great news for guys who like to masturbate frequently (which is recommended by doctors, by the way). This device is the only one on the market to meet or surpass the intense MIL-STD-810 military standards for durability. And if that wasn’t enough to get your attention, the LSS also features one of the softest and most realistic textures known to mankind. It’s crafted out of a high-end silicone composite material that mimics the feel and behavior of real human skin. Furthermore, it culminates with one of the best formed vaginal orifices to come out of the industry.
Unfortunately, the stock is rather limited and there’s no discreet outer casing included with your purchase. But (and this is a big butt, just the way I like ‘em), the canal is a one-size-fits-all model with humanistic texturization and the whole thing can fit perfectly into any handbag or suitcase without taking up too much space. It’s also available in two different colors (beige or black), plus it works perfectly with any water-based lube you happen to have lying around. The fact that it will most likely never need replacing makes me question the common sense of the manufacturer’s marketing team, but I digress. Just take my money.
Ah, the Sex in a Can Series by Fleshlight. This is the brand that brought us seven game-changing collector’s items: The Lady Lager, Jake’s Gape Soda, The Vampire Succu Dry, The Sukit Draft and, my personal favorite, The O’Doyle’s Stout. Well, their inventory just expanded a little more to include the newest edition, Four Loko. It’s basically just a pocket-sized onahole that’s wrapped in what looks like an ordinary can of beer, but what it holds inside is the key to its promise of pleasure and the subsequent cult following that’s been created. Often considered the standard by which all other onas are set, the Fleshlight SIAC series leaves little to be desired.
Four Loko is aptly named, plus it uses no play on words like the others which gives it a hint more discretion by comparison. The canal texture is just as unique, however, with a series of four different texturization changes within each integrated, non-interchangeable sleeve. It has a nicely detailed orifice (although I’ve seen better) and a soft, cushiony entrance for maximum comfort. The label is perfectly placed so as to throw no red flags and the entire thing is made to fit inside a branded brown paper bag that’s included in the box. Maybe the manufacturer is trying to give hobos in alleyways a chance to be trendsetters, or maybe this is a prime example of how genius and insanity play so well together.
Up until now, the TENGA brand has been best known for its wide selection of disposable pocket pussies that come packaged inside cute little egg-shaped containers. Now, though, their best-selling sex toy has some serious competition and it’s coming from inside the manufacturer’s own inventory. Their innovative Zero Flip Hole EV turns the industry on its head, giving rise to an entirely new type of pleasure device that invites more men to enjoy the experience of manual masturbation. So, while this device can’t sync with other toys or be used hands-free in any way, it may be the perfect accompaniment for guys who struggle with certain sexual health limitations (most notably, erectile dysfunction).
The reason for its appropriateness comes from the overall design which includes a first of its kind flip-open hinge that accommodates nearly all penis sizes whether flaccid or erect. The fun continues through the use of a semi-transparent casing which houses dual 5-speed vibrating motors controlled through a built-in button interface. Along the ergonomic outer casing is a manual pressure pad to experiment with and the whole shebang is sans overstimulating textures that cause problems on the back-end. Masturbation can be enjoyed with or without those special features too, making this one of the most versatile USB rechargeable sex toys this side of the Mason-Dixon line.
While you were busy watching porn and fantasizing about the hottie at the grocery store, the makers of the famous Autoblow and my number one draft pick, the Lifetime Silicone Stroker, were hard at work making 3D molds of the girl next door. Their groundbreaking “Vagina Beauty Contest” went viral, with thousands of amazing submissions and more votes than your local election. The result has become an industry disrupter, forcing many manufacturers to rethink the way they design their male masturbators. This three-part series features carefully crafted, realistic representations of what our collective manhood has deemed most attractive. They’re the prettiest pocket pussies in town. There, I said it.
Each device offers a completely unique experience through the use of an exclusive combination of features, including a super soft and personalized, vaginally inspired orifice and a carefully crafted canal texture that’s made to stimulate as many penile nerve endings as humanly possible. And because of the industry-leading technology used in its timely development, these replicas were made within .1mm of the actual model’s body, making them instant collector’s items in some circles. So, while they may not have fancy vibrations or celebrity endorsements, the Vagina Beauty Contest Winners take home my prize in several categories.
Someone once made a joke about how awesome it would be to mold their partner’s vagina into a sex toy. Manufacturers have started doing it, but they use unknown people and porn stars to get it done. For those looking at a more personalized option, it doesn’t get any better than this. The Clone-a-Pussy Plus+ Kit is no laughing matter, which is why I always say it’s good to listen to the dissenters. This is the world’s first and only at-home genital molding product and it only takes 24 hours to make. If you don’t think a product like this has the ability to change the way men and women enjoy sex and masturbation then you’re not paying attention.
The entire thing uses all-natural algae-based materials and a simple multi-step process to help casual consumers create a ready-made onahole that’s perfect for couple’s play and long-distance love affairs. It basically allows you to immortalize your partner’s privates to scale, and the manufacturer made sure to throw in an ergonomic casing to help users handle the ride with more confidence and discretion. It also comes with a sample of water-based lube so you can get the party started without leaving your house (unless, of course, it’s to pick up your girlfriend).
I still haven’t been able to figure out why the makers of this thing decided to name it the Hot Octopuss but the “Pulse” part I can understand. It’s an extremely powerful sex toy for men and it doesn’t play around on the convenience front either. The HOP III looks nothing like any sex toy you’ve ever seen and that’s because it’s a one of a kind model. It’s also equipped with 25% more power than the original model, which may not mean a lot to someone who’s never used it but it still matters quite a bit to the fans who fell in love with the first device. All functions are controlled through either a built-in interface or with the included wireless remote which acts as a secondary vibrator, by the way.
This third-generation gadget can be used by men with flaccid or erect penises too, all thanks to the innovative design which involves a hinged, wing-like opening and a generous insertable length. And while the Octopuss is meant mostly for pinpointed penile shaft stimulation (as opposed to up and down strokes), the 5-speed vibrating motor gives a whole new purpose that brings stamina trainers and kinky couples well into the mix. It’s USB rechargeable in less than three hours and have a long battery life despite the fact that it uses industry-leading Pulse Plate technology to deliver deep, rumbly sensations regardless of the setting.
A lot of the world’s best onaholes are made to be easily twisted and turned on the penis while they’re in use to help men find the perfect sensation. This is considered a customization feature and it’s a really great thing, that is, until something like the Fun Factory Cobra Libre II comes to town. It’s a manual penis stroking machine that looks and feels nothing like a human vagina, but that may very well be its most redeeming quality. After all, this sneaky snake is made to pinpoint the nerve endings on the tip of the penis only – a fun and exciting feature that may not provide the ideal experience for every man.
Either way, this curious little device is designed to accommodate up to 3.5 inches of your penis whether its flaccid or erect, plus it houses a surprisingly powerful vibrating motor that offers 11 different modes of pleasure to explore at your leisure. Each of the settings can be controlled through the built-in interface on the side of the hard, outer casing which, by the way, also holds the USB charging port and a silky-soft silicone masturbation sleeve.
You can buy a single sex toy and hope for the best or you can get something that comes in a value pack like the Fleshlight Fleshjack Fleshsack then call it a day. This well-equipped onahole features the brand’s notorious RealFeel silicone sleeve which is expertly outfitted with an exclusive canal texture and a soft set of balls to instigate the most intense orgasm possible. It has a highly detailed orifice with a convenient screw-on cap for added discretion. And on top of all that, this thing is patented for stamina training exercises, can be used with the maker’s automatic stroking machine, the Launch, and comes with a motherfucking adjustable wall mount if you buy it as a kit.
The entire thing is so feature dense, in fact, that it has been likened to more high-tech contraptions built for the same thing. It offers the user a silky-soft orifice that provides plenty of cushion for the pushin’, and I haven’t even started talking about the naturally created suction sensations or the ergonomic design of the superbly discreet casing. This is by far one of the most influential and effective masturbation devices on the market, even though it’s likely one of the hardest handheld sex toy to use in manual mode for men with mobility limitations.
Um, excuse me, but your dick has feelings too. This masturbation thing isn’t all about you or the things you see and experience. Sex toys with bonus features to increase the realism of each session are a gift from the gods of good sex, so don’t take them for granted. And while the Maia Piper might not be a household name just yet, it most certainly deserves to get credit where credit is due. After all, it features an integrated heating element that eliminates the need for hot water baths, sleeve warming poles and homemade remedies, plus it also vibrates but we’ll get to that in a minute. For now, try to focus on the fact that there are three different temperatures to play around with.
As for the vibe functions, you get a whopping three speeds and 12 distinct performance patterns but that’s not even where the fun ends. This thing also has a 3-speed, 12-function suction mode that can be used together or independently depending on your mood. Considering the fact that the Maia Piper is fully submersible in water yet comes with its own USB charging cable, it’s no wonder why this relatively unknown little device is becoming such a formidable force in the ona arena. There are 5 inches of insertable length to explore and more than 2 inches of girth to bounce around in – the perfect fit for a man with ED or Peyronie’s Disease.
It can be tough to get started on the hands-free masturbation front because of how much is involved in procuring the right equipment. Detachable accessories are awesome for about a million different reasons, but there are so many occasions where convenience reins supreme. As a surprisingly appropriate answer to that problem, the makers of the Apollo Hydro Power Stoker have designed it to be as powerful as it is accessible. Perfect for people with severe mobility limitations and even more restricted budgets, this bad boy features a built-in suction cup mount on the base and it’s completely submersible in water too. Does it get any better than that? Yes.
The Apollo also features 30 (yes, 30) different vibration settings to explore while you thrust carelessly in the rain. In fact, your addition of water further secures the suction cup base even more and prevents it from slipping during rough waves. It sticks to any smooth surface in your house, as a matter of fact, and it also utilizes a smart computer chip (almost like the one in the Autoblow A.I., just not as sophisticated) to act as an edging function and/or customization feature. Meanwhile, you can cram up to 4.5 inches of your shaft into the hole for an all-encompassing series of satisfying sensations. How’s that for innovative?
The onahole – one of the only modern-day sex toys without its own category on most merchant websites. It’s a well-hidden secret of the self-pleasure arena and we’re about to bust open Pandora’s box. Inside, we discover the mysterious tool in question: A squishy canal that’s fit for a king but often clothed in more humble attire. This covert contraption is made to provide the best of both worlds and it can if you purchase the right one. You might also want to know what the fuck we’re even talking about here but don’t worry because I’ve got you covered. Let the games begin.
The word “onahole” is just a three-syllable way of saying “artificial vagina.” The device is often crafted to look and/or feel like real female genitals, hence the other name used, which is “fake pussy.” Regardless of what you decide to call it, however, onaholes will probably always be a major part of the modern-day sex toy industry because of their user-friendly design and generally innocuous appearance. On top of that, most of the good ones are made out of hypoallergenic materials that closely resemble the texture of human skin in a variety of ways. This feature thereby increases the amount of pleasure the user can enjoy when he plays with himself.
Interestingly, onas have been around for quite some time now, with rudimentary models being recently uncovered by archaeologists. In fact, many veterinarians now use medical-grade versions of these things during the animal breeding process to instigate an assisted ejaculation deposit. For mankind, the toy is employed for almost the exact same purpose. Ideal for couple’s play and/or individualized stimulation, onaholes own a partial share in the deliverance of debauchery, having been outfitted with pleasurable performance settings and exclusively designed with discretion in mind.
The most adept makers achieve this lofty feat by creating a series of devices that look nothing like what the average person thinks when they hear the term “sex toy.” Many times, onaholes are fashioned to look like common household items: beer cans, flashlights, etc. Their curious appearance is what separates them from other types of pleasure products. As one of the only devices that can provide such substantial sensations while remaining difficult to detect, o-holes have become a top seller in our industry today. As a matter of fact, some Asian cultures now have the market cornered because of their unique approach to the production of clandestine models.
Because they’ve been around so many years, these devices are used by men from all walks of life and for several different purposes. Here are the top five:
There are likely a few more reasons why some men choose onaholes over other types of toys, but that’s not the point. The objective here is to figure out whether a toy like this would fit into your sexual paradigm or not. Unfortunately, the only way to pull that off is to do your homework. Sorry, kids, school is back in session.
Looking for the right big O is no easy task; I’ll give you that. Even for a seasoned sex toy expert who knows exactly what to look for, careful considerations and diligent attention to detail is always necessary. You see, the industry has grown so large that average Joes end up glazing over as soon as they grasp the enormity of our current market. To cut through the bullshit and find something that’s not a complete waste of your resources, hunt for the following things:
Having a good idea as to which features matter most is a great idea, and it puts you ahead of the game in many ways. However, truly frugal consumers know that manufacturers will play with their heads if they can, cleverly convincing them to spend money on products that aren’t ideal for one reason or another. To prevent that from happening, the consumer must know himself better than the maker’s marketing team.
Few things matter more than your satisfaction, especially when it comes to picking out a good onahole. Features and dimensions aside, however, your satisfaction is dependent upon your familiarity with certain details. Here are the things you need to know before adding anything to your shopping cart:
Onaholes have been around for centuries, with common uses ranging from things like medically assisted implantation to convenient personal pleasure. They can be enjoyed by almost every man on the planet and, oddly enough, they are in most developed countries. Having been hoisted into the league of legends, high-quality models are actually gathered up by quirky collectors for bragging rights among friends. They’re cleverly made to stimulate the penis for maximum orgasmic intensity through manual manipulation, but they’re ideal for couple’s foreplay and self-improvement exercises as well. Simply put, the right ona can drastically transform a person’s love life if it’s used as directed by the manufacturer.
Q: Is there a special way to store my device when I get done using it?
A: The proper storage method for an onahole depends heavily on the device’s overall design and the components with which it’s made. Be sure to check the owner’s manual that’s included for more detailed information. In general, however, you’ll most likely want to keep your new toy put up somewhere that’s out of direct sunlight and away from extreme hot and/or cold temperatures. A basic dresser drawer or closet should suffice. Use any included storage containers religiously for best results.
Q: How am I supposed to clean out something like this after I ejaculate into it?
A: The protocol for cleaning up after using a male masturbator like this can vary widely from one device to another. Be sure to check the owner’s manual that’s included for more detailed information. In general, however, you’ll want to maintain your device by cleaning it out after every single use. Pour out the contents then rinse the sleeve with warm water after gently scrubbing it with a non-abrasive, hypoallergenic sex toy cleaning solution. If certain products are recommended by the manufacturer, heed their warnings carefully and don’t forget to wash off the outer casing if there is one.
Q: Can I get hurt in any way by using an onahole?
A: Most onaholes are crafted to be exceptionally safe for the user and/or his partner. With that said, there are some basic rules all users need to follow when masturbating with one of these things. For starters, never introduce your device to water unless expressly permitted by the manufacturer. Slather on enough compatible lube and keep the components properly cleaned at all times. Check the label or product description for more detailed information about responsible use. If you play with your toy as directed by the maker, the chances of you sustaining injury are pretty much slim to none.
Q: Are onaholes appropriate for men with Peyronie’s Disease (PD) or Erectile Dysfunction (ED)?
A: Onaholes can be used by men from all walks of life as long as they select one with features and/or construction that supports their sexual limitations. Guys with Peyronie’s Disease and/or erectile dysfunction may actually have greater luck satisfying themselves if they do it with a manual masturbator such as this, especially if that masturbator offers an innovative design that eliminates the need for a perfectly straight or rock-hard penis.
Q: Is it safe to masturbate frequently with this kind of device?
A: Repetitive masturbation with a well-made pleasure product is not only safe it’s also beneficial for a variety of reasons. According to the most recent data, men who reach orgasm frequently have a much better bill of health. What’s interesting is that the delivery method for that climax is non-effectual, meaning it doesn’t matter if you get off with intercourse, masturbation or otherwise, just as long as you do it. Therefore, onaholes can technically be counted as part of your personal care regimen.
About Blake Parker
Blake Parker makes Ron Jeremy look like Mother Theresa. His honest take on allthings pertaining to pleasure and relationships has made him a household name that’s synonymous with sexuality. Blake’s unique perspective on toys and techniques prepares the mind and body for more than just an incredible orgasm. Hisentertaining sex toy reviews, buyer’s guides, and How-To articles inform consumers of what nobody else will say. His readers demolish emotional/physical strongholds, tear down social taboos, and become more comfortable in their own skin as he and his partner enlighten the world one sex toy at a time. Notoriety isn’t the goal with Blake; satisfaction is.